Mommy must be crazy!

Dear I,

Well I am very sorry I dragged you to the Dr office the other day to sit in the waiting room for 90 minutes just to hear the Dr say "you are just vying for my attention and Mommy is a little crazy!" Stupid me! I should have known I was crazy the whole time! Apparently those screaming sessions in the middle of the night while I AM HOLDING YOU to calm you down are simply your way of saying "mommy hold me.." NO Baby, I do not understand either. But maybe someday you can tell me all about how terrified you were or how I didnt pay enough attention to you...
On the other hand, I am glad to know that I am the one with issues and not you....that is comforting,  I guess.
As I write this letter to you at 4am on a Saturday morning I can only feel like the light at the end of the tunnel has finally gone out. When you were born it was 'wait until he is 3 months,' then 'by 6 months it will all work out,' now we are on the cusp of month 7 and I just spent the last 3 hours with my head buried under a pillow praying for you to shut up and fall asleep! I swore I was not going to put a bottle in your mouth every time you woke up, and since you ate 10:30 I was not going to feed you at midnite. But you called my bluff!!! You just screamed your head off til the next feeding time, 3 hours later! You downed a whole bottle, tossed and turned for another 30 minutes and finally fell asleep! Of course as soon as you fell asleep I smelled the odoriferous wonder coming from your diaper - but like hell was I going to roll you over to change you now! It's not like you wont be up at 5 anyway... 2 hours of a stanky diaper cant hurt right???

You definitely have become very clingy in the past few weeks, which leads me to think that maybe your dr was right - Maybe it is me? You always want to be held and you scream for me every time you see me, as if I am supposed to pick you up every time I am in your eyesight! I dont get it! You hate to be left alone even for a second...you freak out....you are almost worse than Doc! What causes such extreme separation anxiety? and how do we get rid of it! I honestly did not think we were spoiling you that much to cause such extreme neediness. Once again I am clueless!
 We just spent a whole week letting you "cry it out".  That was fun. By day 5 I would put you down for your 830AM nap and like clockwork you will scream til 10/10:30 and sleep for 15/ 20 minutes! Everyday I have been wasting 2 or 3 hours for you to take a half hour nap! Is that what I am supposed to be doing? 'They' say let you cry and check every 15 to 20 minutes....but by the time I put you down and the time you fall asleep you are either hungry again or so worked up you cannot calm down enough to get a good nap. Maybe 'crying it out' is not for every baby - maybe crying it out isn't for every mommy....then again whatever I am doing now is not working either!
I keep thinking I am such a horrible mother.  I cant believe teenagers can handle this and I can not! What a wimp am I?! I just surfed the internet for hours on baby sleep(as in: My baby won't!), baby cry (what is too much?), postpartum depression (really??? can I blame my craziness on chemistry??), and how to ease separation anxiety. Essentially it was just a waste of time, but I have been up for 4 hours and there is no chance of me falling back to sleep now! so it is either surf or eat....and we are out of munchies! grrrr....
In other news, the weather out here in vegas is beautiful right now!(well, during normal daytime hours!) THis is definitely the time to live here (shh!). Nicer weather means more outside, more walks, more trips to the dog park, Hooray! Although, the nicer is it is now only means the quicker the hot stuff is on the way! Oh no!!!
Daddy starts his new job on MOnday...then my 'vacation' is really over....it is back to me and you solo all day kiddo! I think I am secretly terrified! But only for a week, then you and I go on our first solo  trip to NEPA on the 16th! Hooray!!! Noni can have you for a whole week! Well she can try at least, because I know you will give her a hard time and scream for me....my little koala! You are definitely quite the Mama's Boy! I guess I should enjoy it for now. I am sure in no time you will want nothing to do with your daddy and me, so I shall enjoy it now.
uh oh....Someone's 3am to 4 am nap is over....you' re killing me kid, killin me!!!
Lucky you are cute!!! But I love you anyway!
love, mommy