Sunday, September 20, 2009

Mommy's Vent...

A month into mommyhood and things are going.....well they are going! In the past 34 days I've come up with a list of things EVERYONE fails to tell you while you are pregnant - probably for fear of the future mom taking the closest bridge - nonetheless things I advise telling ANY teenage girl. Perhaps schools can use these pointers as a way to promote abstinence - no doubt I would have taken my vow of celebacy had i known some of these highlights of Mommy Life.

1. First off - BACK LABOR - before tiny tot is even born he is wreaking havoc! Not to mention your last night (maybe, if you are lucky) of the slacker life is going to be painful - but this whole back labor thing was news to me! A few hours into it I was pretty convinced Isaac was going to be entering the world out the back end or they were going to have to rip open by spine because he got caught in my tailbone!!! Luckily that only lasted 8 hours during which time i vowed NEVER to have sex again and as far as kids go - I would be "one and done"!(the jury is still out on that one) The delivery nurse assured me I would forget all about it once I had the baby, but as you can see 34 days later I am still holding a grudge!
2. the EMOTIONAL ROLLER COASTER! - No one told me that after popping out a baby I would instantly turn into a babbling crybaby! I hate it! I cry over EVERYTHING! The baby, the dogs, the TV, Dinner! anything! I am sure it drives Jason crazy!!! Everyone assures me its "just hormones" and i will "go back to normal" in time - but honestly after the past 10 months I dont remember what normal is!
3. This one is the leading contributor of #2 and is more of a peeve rather than lesson learned...The Breast Feeding Nazi's. They know they are out there - and they are ruthless. For the entire 9 months of pregnancy you are led to believe that breastfeeding is the only way your baby will survive outside of the womb. You are led to believe feeding your newborn formula is like letting them smoke cigarettes upon delivery. So naturally, as any good newbie mom would believe, breast is best. I believed the hype. I didnt want to - I thought I would try it out - and if Isaac didnt like it I would go to the formula. Well, the further you get into the 9months the more pressure people give you to nurse - and by the time the baby is born you are so emotionally and physically drained that you concede to nursing as the only option - I even felt guilty for contemplating using formula - how could I be so neglectful!!
Well I tried to breastfeed - and it was torture! Sheer agony! First the "big boob theory" was far off for me - somehow the Nardell "cyrse" bypassed me and I never got the Dolly Parton Boobs. I was repeatedly told " dont worry, your milk will come in" Where the hell was it coming from??? It NEVER came and poor isaac was starving to death in my attempt to be "the good mommy".
Secondly it hurts like hell - the nipple pain and the cramps are enough to put you over the edge. Not to mention you are not only in charge of a new life now, but you are also expected to be a full time fueling station..ugh!
So for the first week of Isaac's life I cried myself silly that I was ruining his life by not being able to breastfeed. I called every lactation expert I could find, I pumped, I ate oatmeal daily, I took hot showers until my skin pruned - no luck! My dr told me i had to start the formula and I cried like a baby at the pediatrician - I was a wreck! One week into his life and I was ruining it! Formula??? how will he survive? He will never get into a good college being formula fed! I made Jason give him his first bottle because i was convinced I was a failure as a mother. It was awful.
Then all of a sudden the formula people came out of the woodwork! As if they were hiding from the La Leche Militia! Apparently everyone was a formula baby - me, Jason, our siblings, and we all survived!
I combed the internet looking for formula fed baby information and found NOTHING - only Breastfeeding propaganda - so to you breast feeding police i say - BACK THE HELL OFF!!! New Moms have enough to worry about without feeling completely inadequate for using formula! And by the way, its REALLY nice to pawn off those late nite feedings to someone else!!
4. Finally, and possibly the most horrific, COLIC. For those of you not familiar (like I was) Colic is the devil manifesting itself thru a newborn. It's a nitemare. There is absolutely NOTHING you can do about it. The only thing you can hope for is that you do not lose your sanity. I have tried over holding him, over feeding him, under feeding, rocking, nursing, walking, bathing, bjorning him - nothing works - or shall i say nothing works for a substantial amount of time - all of these worked for a moment or two! But when it comes to a colicky baby screaming bloody murder in the middle of the night you will take A MOMENT!!! Even if all you can do is go to the bathroom for that moment! I think all teenagers should be given a colicky baby to babysit - that would be the greatest sex-ed assignment ever!
Now that I have vented my Mommy frustrations, let me say I would not change a second of it for the world! Isaac is the greatest thing to ever happen to us! He truly is a blessing. For as much as i vent, I am sure all the planning and prepping in the world will not prepare you for the first time they put your newborn in your arms or the feeling of leaving the safety of the hospital with him. Or the when you look into his smiling little face (albeit at this stage that only means he is pooping!) He is an angel, my angel and it is the scariest, happiest, most emotional experience of your life. But after the sleeping stops and they crying starts, sometimes you just need to vent!


  1. It must be catchy after reading your post I was tearin up!!! Harvey must be back! Love you sis

  2. Awww. You're already a fabulous mommy - so don't worry. And just for the record - I believe I grew up on formula, and I could not be more perfect. So...


    Love you hon. You're doing great. xo