Sunday, December 23, 2012

Dear Snowflakes,

I swore I was going to do better. I mean a week (or so) ago it was Thanksgiving and apparently now they tell me Christmas is now somehow 3 days away?? How does this happen every time? I think someone is playing tricks on me with some sort of time/space continuum  thingy. Not cool people. Not cool at all.

Well, I wanted to catch you up on all that has happened this Fall since our last post like Grandma Maberta's visit, Turkey day, getting ready for Santa - and I have to honestly tell you lately I am not very much in the mood. Something has happened recently kiddos that has shaken every part of who I am. Something I hope you may NEVER experience the likeness of and will be nothing more than a tragic event in American history by the time you are able to comprehend it. Something, unfortunately, that many children today - barely older than the three of you - have been trying to wrap their heads around.

Last Friday In the tiny, quaint, New England town of Newtown, Connecticut a lone gunmen - a lone dark, lost, evil madmen walked into an elementary school and took the lives of 26 people before cowardly taking his own. None of those 26 people deserved to die. None of the 500 people - mostly children -  in that building deserved to live with the forever scars they will be forced to take from that horrific day. None of the lives that were destroyed and altered that day deserved this sick twist of fate simply for going to school on one seemingly bright and cheery Friday morning.

And then began the media coverage. I watched the scenes unfold as the "Breaking News" alerts were splashed across every station. As I sat in the rocking chair trying to hush Jake asleep, I watched the scenes of horror unfold in real time and found myself sobbing and hugging you tighter than I should. My heart was broken for those people of Newtown. And as the facts of the matter came to light, I was not only heartbroken for Newtown but for all of us as well. 26 Dead - including 20 children - mere babies of 6 and 7 years old. All Gone.

26 lives lost.
26 Families forever altered.

Hundreds of students and parents forever shaken.
Dozens of first responders forever scarred.

All gone.

I wept for those frantic parents I watched on the television - and I wept for all of us staring at the TV in horror wondering - What the hell is this world coming to? What have we become? How can this have happened? How can we do better?

I do not think I have ever been so deeply saddened by a national event in my life. I cannot explain the sadness - the numbness I feel about this tragedy - I can only imagine it has something to do with the fact that I am now a mother and I know with the honor of knowing the greatest love - comes the insurmountable possibility of suffering the greatest loss. As one mommy blogger wrote - this event shook us so much because we know "what six feels like". Nothing can ring truer. My snowflakes may not have turned six years old yet, but three feels the same - their pure innocence, the smells of fresh from the bath skin and hair, the wonder in their eyes, the touch of a tiny hand in ours, the sound of "Mama" in the middle of the night. Six feels like pure love. Pure - we are still the center of their universe - unconditional love for a child. That must be why this stings so hard. We know six, we live six, we love six, and we don't want it to ever grow up let alone die.

It's hard to think that in a town not too far from here there are suddenly 26 mothers mourning the loss of their child. There are 26 Fathers who have an inconsolable heartache. Mothers, Daughters, Sons, Sisters, and Brothers all gone in an instant. There are 20 hidden closets filled with Christmas presents for children who are not coming home. There are 20 parents who did all they could do to protect their children  - and in the end their biggest regret will be sending them off to school on the wrong day.

It is unimaginable. Yet it is all I have been imagining since Friday. Each time I turn on the Tv or go online I see the brilliant faces of those beautiful children and teachers. I cant help but think of the What ifs? The Whys? Newtown, Connecticut can very well be Anytown, USA.

So my little Snowflakes, forgive me for kissing you too much and hugging you too tightly lately. Forgive me for holding your hand when I know you are a "big boy " now and can walk by yourself. Forgive me for the spontaneous crying that seems to erupt when you say or do something cute. I do this because  I love you more than words can express. I do this because I now realize everyday is a gift - even if it may be a trying, exhausting, sleepless gift.

I hope and pray I may never know the pain those families of Newtown are experiencing. I hope and pray I overcome the fear I will have every time you are not in my sight. I pray the next time we go to a movie I can sit and enjoy the show, rather than constantly scanning the exits and planning an escape strategy. I pray I can remember none of us are guaranteed a tomorrow. I hope I can teach you all to live for today and not take yourself so seriously. I hope and pray you know how much your Daddy and I love you and want to watch you all grow up and lead happy, healthy lives.  Most importantly I pray we as parents - and a nation can do better by you. I Hope through our darkest hour, we can show you the way to a brighter future.

We are three days away from Christmas. Three days from mountains of ripped up wrapping paper and one too many cookies. Three days from Santa's visit and the gifts he will bring. I hope you three know how much I love this time of the year and how much I will treasure the memories of our family Christmases. My Snowflakes you are my life, you are my loves. Merry Christmas to All And to the people of Newtown please know you are forever in our prayers and thoughts. Your angels will never be forgotten.

I love you my Snowflakes,
May our Christmas be Merry and Bright!
Love, Mommy

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